Thank you I sorted it out using your player example 
must have been some issue with how I was invoking the player.
Also fyi, I was able to get the setMuted = false consistently working. You need to set the player options to “muted: true” and then call setMuted on a button click. chrome/safari autoplay policy seems to require a button click from the user. Theres no info on this anywhere ^
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completely unrelated question:
is there any plans of relaxing the strictness of the “parent” policy to include non-standard port numbers? its made development of a node app im working on quite difficult.
Youtube api allows for this, and vimeo aswell. I noticed some other developers struggling with it. it also makes it impossible to test node apps on mobile locally.